I am going to go to that place that I do not talk about… I am going to get real scary-honest here for a few moments. I do not have many ‘friends’. I just don’t. I can count my ‘true’ friends, quite possibly on one single hand (or maybe just a few fingers). I will admit, that I have been extremely selective on who I get close to and who I want to put in energy into getting to know and also on who I want getting to know me. I’m realizing that, it is possible I can read people (like secret lasers intertwined in my brain and scanning potential tribe members behind my eyes). I am the type that would prefer to have five best friends, who are my soul sisters, than one hundred ‘surface friends’, as I will call them. Looking back, it is clear to me, this all started as a young girl in middle school. It is not that I had a horrible experience. I just yearned for a best friend, a soul mate, if you will. I had a few friends that I put my heart and soul into and all I remember at the time, was hurting. Which led to an extreme depressive state for me that I hid for so long. So because of my past experiences, I can see the ones who are surface friends. I do not get too close to that kind, I do not relay too much of myself to them. Not because I do not want to, it’s because I’m always afraid of being hurt, somehow. Something, that I am working on in therapy (among many other issues).
I’ve been in therapy for more than a just a few months now. I will be honest about my struggles of the many hats I wear, of being a mom, a wife, a friend, a daughter, sister, among others. I am opening myself up to a big hurtful and hateful world in more ways than just this blog. That is why I started seeing a therapist and also why I started going to MOPS (it took every ounce of my anxiety medication, coffee and a pep talk to myself, for me to step foot in the doors)…for those of you whom do not know what this is, (it’s great if you do, and its completely okay if you don’t – I sure did not, until I did an intense search for “SANITY” in the Google Search Bar), it’s Mothers of Preschoolers. Basically, a world wide support group of ladies just like us, with God at the center, an awesome daycare for your babes, free coffee and delicious food! But, the most important part of all (I know, coffee is tough to beat), is the positive friendships that I have already gained. These women are not there to tear each other down, they are there to lift each other up. It is incredible and nothing like I’ve ever seen or experienced before. I’ve made a few friends in my short time I’ve been with MOPS. We plan play dates and text back and forth throughout the week, checking in on each other and our babies, we talk about what we are struggling with that particular day or week, offering advice and encouragement as well as being a good listener. It has definitely been a blessing in such a dark patch of my life.
Since seeing my therapist, she is constantly using the phrase “you need to find your network (tribe)”…. and yah, I nod and I hear what she’s saying…but until recently, I do not think I REALLLLLLY knew what she was implying. I mean I get it, yah-yah, find some friends, girl! But they must that have similar tribe goals as you. All I can honestly think about is, I’m a nut-case! I hope there aren’t too many like me, and by golly, I hope I don’t run into another ‘ME‘. But in reality, we’re all searching. She’s right and for once I feel like its all starting to make sense.
I recently sat down with three beautiful ladies, genuine souls. I feel that I’ve know this all along, in the nearly eight years I’ve known a few of them. You see, I read them years ago, (remember I have lasers behind these beaty browns). I have always thought highly of these ladies for as long as I’ve known them, and I can honestly say, they give me hope in finding my true tribe. They are definitely goals! So, there is hope!
I think we’re all trying to find our place on earth, find our purpose, and to be an influence in some shape or form, and mostly, we are all trying to find our network to do it with. We yearn for the sense of safety, sense of passion for the same things, sense of belonging and unconditional support. Let me remind you, if I am not in your tribe network, please do not think we are enemies, and vice versa. We are all in this crazy life together. However, life happens, things change, and much of it, beyond our control. We lose pieces of ourselves along the way, just to start picking them back up again. So we put one foot in front of the other, we live day by day, we find ourselves along the way. Therefore, your tribe goals may change – and that is completely okay. I am still searching my soul, for where I belong, and the tribe that I need in my life.
With love to all, may we all find our paths to happiness, true friendships, true roots, a sense of belonging and a tribe to encourage us with positivity and support us through this crazy ride of life’in, mom’in, and wife’in.
To my true friends, whom I have lost contact with along the way, life happens, trust me, I know this. I pray we find our paths and we meet again.