That’s the only word that pops into my head.
My body is tired from crying, my head hurts, my heart is aching-literally, my thoughts are constantly being forced to seeing his sweet face and the feeling when I felt him take his last breath. What could I have done differently, did I wait too long, is he happy now, now that he’s no longer suffering, will he miss us, like we miss him? The questions, the lack of answers, my mind is flooded, like my eyes.
Today, we watched our sweet Oakley take his last breath. That was the hardest thing I’ve had to do in a long time. His life literally was in my hands. As my sister explained to me today, she said to me, “Stef, it’s so hard because YOU had to play God, when usually God is the one in control.” I think that’s the hardest part of this. Is not knowing if I did the right thing or if I waited too long, if maybe I could have saved him. I’ll tell y’all what. I do not like playing God.
As if this day wasn’t awful enough. I had to come home and try to explain death to an eleven year old. That’s a whole other punch in the gut. So very tough. Especially when he just wants to be able to fix it all. His heart is enormous. He is hurting, and he’s trying to understand why. Like me, he’s wanting all the answers, and I just cannot give them to him. Other than, it’s just the circle of life.
I read today, the reason dogs live a short amount of time, is because they are born into this world, already knowing how to love. They love immediately after birth. It’s what they are put on earth for, to love us, humans, unconditionally.
Unlike humans, who spend almost a lifetime, trying to learn how to love. I truly believe this. My sister, who just experienced this grief herself, not long ago, also mentioned, that our pets, they love so hard – and that is why their lives are so much shorter than ours. Which completely reiterated what I read today, so it MUST be true. I’m going to assume so.
He was such a good boy, regardless of the pounds of slobber I wiped off the walls over the last 7 years, he was still one of the best I have ever had the pleasure to love and be loved by. This big boy, he loved, he forgave us when we yelled at him, or when we simply forgot to give him dinner, he never held a grudge, he was not prejudice, he was never angry or experienced hate. What a life. What a life, to just love unconditionally. If we could all love, only half of what our pets do, could you imagine the world we’d live in.
Tonight, give an extra loving to your fur baby(s), let them get the last lick of your ice-cream cone, let them get that grease from your bacon poured on their food. Because, remember, they were put here by God, to comfort and love us, unconditionally.
God has accepted you in his arms today, sweet boy, and he is so lucky to have you to walk along with. May he give you all the doggy bones and may you run free of pain, alongside your new friends.
I love you and I will miss you, more than you’ll ever know. Until we meet again, my sweet “ferd”, run happy, run free.
Love always, your human.
Oakley aka “Ferd” aka “Oakie from Muskogee”