Truth Talk

What I Will Not Do In 2019

Wow, 2019! I am still in awe that we have been blessed, with yet another year. How fast it has flown by makes me sit back and realize all that we can potentially miss out on in a split second and even more so, what can be quickly taken away from us in a split second.

With the New Year, always comes recollection of the previous year and hopes, dreams, goals and new intentions for the next. More often than not, I am not realistic in my goals and intentions. This year I have decided to set my goals and intentions in a realistic manner.

Instead of documenting and thinking about what I want to come out of 2019, I have decided to state my ‘resolutions’ of “what I will not do in 2019”.  And actually I would not call these resolutions, I simply suck at those. These are just a few things I’d like to work on, we’ll say. There are only 3, I mean, come on, how many resolutions are required, and really how many do we all actually do/complete? Lets be real!

(I apologize for the cursing, cursing is not part of my New Year’s Resolutions.)

1.) I Will NOT feel bad about saying “NO”

I think we have all been there, we’ve all said “yes” to something, and secretly (or not secretly) cringed at the thought of what we just signed ourselves up to do. Ladies (and gentlemen) this is a new era. New me, new you, new year! I am learning, that it is completely okay to say no. To not give up a piece of ourselves to someone else, for their benefit, that will either one, put us in a bind or two, not be full-filling to ourselves. If it is something you really do not care about, or can see yourself being a part of, say NO! Actually, say “No, thank you”. I will not feel like I need to explain myself either. Listen, we have one life to live. Literally, our days are numbered. I am 36 but I look at it as, damn, I only have another 40-50 years left on this planet. Do I really want to waste energy or my time on something, I could care-less about, or is not of an enjoyment of mine, may spread me and my family too thin or that, I flat out just do not want to do. It is time, we learn to say no and NOT feel bad about it. I’m sorry, I only have a certain amount of ‘fucks’ as Mark Manson states in his recent book The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F*ck, and I choose to not waste them on you. Sorry, not sorry. (by the way, if you need a ‘self help’ book that is to the point and puts a perspective on our life and how to determine what really matters, read this., but pardon the swearing, there is a ton!)

2.) I WILL NOT Think I Am Not Good Enough/OR A Failure

Truth is, we all have a point or moment or lifetime, of not feeling enough. There are also times, where you feel you can do or be anyone or anything you want to be. It is finding the balance of, knowing what you are capable of and what potential you have.  We all have something inside ourselves that needs to be let out, to be discovered, we all have a special talent or quirk or way that the world needs to see. You may not believe it today, not tomorrow, or the next, but someday you will find that you are enough, you are capable, you just have to have the will and the want. It may not be easy, you may fall, you may fail, and you may be challenged to the point of regret. It may be hard, frustrating, make you want to throw in the towel, but know in the end, after the work, blood, sweat and tears, you are enough!

Two years ago, eight months pregnant and thirty-four years old.  I walked the stage.  It was more than a diploma, it was more than a degree, it was more than, what it appeared to be.  It was more personal than anything.  Something, that no one could ever take away from me. It was all mine. Something that I could be proud of.  And yes, the debt absolutely sucks and is a total downer, but I proved to myself and anyone else who may have doubted me, that I set out to do something bigger than I thought I could AND I succeeded at it.  For someone who is always afraid of putting herself out there and setting herself up for failure, I proved to myself that I can do bigger and I can do better and MOST importantly, that it is never too late. I can only hope that my sons see that perseverance and hard work does matter, and that stepping outside of your comfort zone at times, has the potential to take you to new heights.  I am definitely not finished persevering, by any means.

3.) I WILL NOT Judge

This goes for me and also toward others.  I will not judge myself. I will not judge others. You’d be lying to yourself, if you didn’t say at one or multiple points in your life, you didn’t judge a moment, a person, a place, a business, whichever, you’ve done it. I will be honest and say I’ve fucked up, I’ve said or did something, that was completely judgmental, and usually I kick myself, because it is ridiculous. BUT – WE ALL ARE GUILTY. We all are so ‘judgey’, its sickening. I do not care who you are, you judge, I judge, we all judge. But before we even think about  judging a person(s), let us think beforehand, what possibly is this person going through, they could be battling PPD like I did, and many women do. This person, could have lost something or someone very close to them, maybe that is why they are short with you in the grocery line, or maybe why their unmade- up face is colorless. Truth is, we all are going through things, that not everyone knows. I mean we don’t wear our shit on our foreheads, “my dog passed away, so spare the judging please, I know I look like shit, my eyes are puffy, and my nose is running, but I’m mourning”. You…Just…. Don’t…. Know!

On another judging note, judging ourselves:  “comparison is the thief of joy” and I am quick to judge myself when I look at flawless perfection all over social media. I look fat, my skin is ugly, my melasma makes me look like I have a ‘stache’, I need a tan to look pretty, I feel fat, I need to exercise, I need to get dressed, I need this to feel like that, I need to look a certain way, I need to have certain things, I need to do this or that, why? Because society says so. Today, and tomorrow, and hopefully every day after that, I’m calling bull-shit. Fuck them, do you, and do it to the best of your ability, without looking in the mirror, unless its to reapply that mascara, girlfriend. We are all beautiful, we are all capable, we all are allowed to say “fuck society, fuck the jealous types, fuck everyone who says ‘she can’t’ or ‘she’s not good enough’ or ‘she’ll never make it’, fuck them all…. get yourself together, because you are enough, and you need to stop judging yourself, and you definitely need to stop judging yourself because of ‘them’.

Alright, so if I didn’t scare you off or piss you off, or push you away, before, I probably just did, and I apologize for that, but I’m just being honest. We live in a world either we are and its not okay or we’re criticized for being, or we aren’t honest enough and we get stepped all over. So, for 2019, I want to be more honest, with myself, with you, with everyone. This is my new chapter. I hope we’re still friends.

As for resolutions, screw them! Really its just a way to get everyone in a hype about their health, or goals that are simply, unattainable, and give false beliefs.

Just be you, be yourself, figure yourself out, it does not have to be for new year’s either! It can be when the time in your life, is right!

Until the next rant…..Happy January 2019, folks!

xo- stef


Works Cited:

Manson, Mark (2016) The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F*ck. 

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